So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
