Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
