I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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