Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
