mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
