I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
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Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
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im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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