Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
