awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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