so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
