I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
