He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Even my vagina gasped.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
