Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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