I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
