im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
