I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
