Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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