i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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