New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
