had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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