new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
