his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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