she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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