Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
