You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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