I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
