I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
