Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
