the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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