Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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