I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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