Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
