Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
