She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
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I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
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