i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
