If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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