Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
