i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
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I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
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I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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