6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm at about main and main street
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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