bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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