how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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