just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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