her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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