Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."