Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
