I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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