I'm so fucking centered right now
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
