she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
