I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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