i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize