I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
