Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
