He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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