I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
someone owes me an orgasm
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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