I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
