i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
