i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Can I color on your dick again?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
