i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
