I just pynch a tree in the face
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
