Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Boobs speak an international language.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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