from now on my penis is your penis
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
