I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
