Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
