she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize