I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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